Why You Want What You Cant Have – Positive-Attitude
Why You Want What You Cant Have
"You can't always get what you want . . ." The Rolling Stones will soon be singing this refrain at venues around the world, as they embark on a year-long concert tour in August.This song, now decades old, addresses a universal truth. Here's the rest of the refrain:You can't always get what you want . . .
But if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need.What is it that you really wanted and didn't get? The affections of a person who was with someone else? That dream job? The last cinnamon-raisin bagel snapped up by the customer in front of you?These scenarios range from trivial to potentially life-changing, but they all have one thing in common:WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU WANT IT EVEN MORE.Here are three reasons why this is so:1. Heightened attention: When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it. Notice that when you are on a restricted diet, you sometimes get too focused on what you "can't" eat. This heightened attention -- which can escalate into obsession -- makes the forbidden food seem very important. Your inner brat takes advantage of this, and tries to convince you that you MUST have that chocolate.2. Perceived scarcity: When something is scarce or in short supply, its perceived value increases. You want it more because you think other people also want it. If you've ever bid at auctions or on eBay, you know the experience of that last-minute excitement as you watch the bids spiral upward. The more people who bid, the more you're willing to pay for the item. Your inner brat wants it at any price.3. "Psychological Reactance": People don't like to be told they can't have or can't do something. It's related to not wanting to be controlled by others, especially if the situation feels unfair or arbitrary. The "reactance" is both emotional and behavioral.The emotional part is your inner brat saying, "Oh yeah? I can't have what I want? Just try and stop me!"The behavioral component is what you do about it, which usually involves some type of rebellious reaction. You see this with teenagers whose parents have forbidden them to date certain people. Reactance also explains why a "Wet Paint" sign invites unwanted fingerprints on the newly painted surface.Next time you don't get what you want, ask yourself whether one of the above factors has influenced your desire. If so, let go of the pursuit. Your inner brat won't be happy, but ultimately (in the words of the Rolling Stones,) you "might just find [that] you get what you need."Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004)Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.
Positive Self Talk – What Should You Say? – Positive-Attitude
Positive Self Talk - What Should You Say?
How do you explain things to yourself? With positive self talk or negative? What we say to ourselves radically affects the quality of our lives, and our ability to do things effectively. How useful is it to always tell yourself "impossible," "more problems," "never," and "I can't?"Below are some of the things that positive and negative people say. Look at the difference, and start talking to yourself in constructive ways, if you don't already.Negative Self TalkWhen negative people explain bad things, they internalize them ("It's me again."), consider them permanent ("It's always this way."), and generalize ("Life sucks."). When they explain good things, they externalize them ("That's just lucky."), consider them temporary ("That went well TODAY."), and see them only in a specific context ("At least THIS went right.")."I screwed up again.""This good weather won't last.""It's ALWAYS a mess when I meet someone new.""This party is great, not like mine.""This is fun for now.""Well, THAT went okay, I guess."Positive Self TalkWhen positive people explain bad things, they externalize them ("The weather caused it."), consider them temporary ("That was a rough couple hours."), and see them as isolated ("THAT part of the plan didn't work, but..."). When they explain good things, they internalize them ("Life is great!"), consider them to be more or less permanent changes ("Now I know how to do this."), and generalize from them ("Things are working out well.")."That just went bad due to the weather.""It was rough for an hour or two.""The car broke down, but the trip was fun.""I've done well with this.""This has become a great business to be in.""I like the way things are going."Explain things to yourself differently, and you'll see a difference in your attitude today. Make positive self talk your normal mode of operation, and you'll see a difference in your life.Steve Gillman writes on many topics including brainpower, weight loss, meditation, habits of mind, creative problem solving, generating luck and anything related to self improvement. Learn more and get FREE e-courses at http://www.SelfImprovementNow.com
Thanks For The Rejection! – Positive-Attitude
Thanks For The Rejection!
It sounds a little masochistic, but I actually appreciate being rejected.
No, I don't needlessly relish the sting of reproach, or eagerly welcome scornful criticism, per se. But, as a writer, a salesperson, and an entrepreneur, I have come to appreciate that there is a strong correlation between the frequency of rejections that I withstand and the amount of success I generate, especially in my career.Every professional writer can wallpaper a mansion with rejection slips. In fact, I read somewhere that the famous novel, The Yearling, was submitted under a different title as an experiment, and it was rejected by scores of publishers AFTER it had won incredible acclaim. Curiously, the original publisher rejected the work, too.Salespeople are taught that there is a math-of-success. They have to withstand a certain number of no's before they can earn a yes. And few entrepreneurs succeed after trying only one venture. Typically, it takes several attempts and even when one initiative prevails, its lifespan is limited.As I write this article, in fact, I'm probably not experiencing ENOUGH rejection. If I want to get more done, to appreciate the thrills of more achievements, I need to put myself on the line, more and more. I have to ASK for what I want and need, and of course when I do so, I'll be giving people the power to say NO.
Let me ask you this:What could you achieve in life if you decided to become totally and blissfully impervious to hostile criticism and to rejection? What careers or hobbies would you pursue that you're just too emotionally brittle to engage in, now?For instance, a friend of mine is a professional actor. He is among the 10% of thespians who actually finds a considerable amount of work in the field. In fact, just this year he appeared in four motion pictures, and a few were highly publicized, and did fairly well at the box office.But he has to constantly trawl for work and he is a tireless self-promoter. He even asked me if I could send a note to visitors to my web site that would tout the brilliance of his most recent film! Though he hopes that one of his roles will become a breakout success and will attract even more roles, he doesn't assume this will occur.On the contrary, he hustles day in and day out, answering every casting call, and networking like crazy to hear about roles that he might play. He behaves like a kid who is struggling to get into the business, and he's grateful for every break he gets.He speculates that most people don't make a living in the acting field because they become worn down by rejections. They stop believing in their skills, and as a result, they try less and less. And by trying less, they succeed less.If they would just work the numbers, and eagerly go for every opportunity, they'd work more, polish their skills, and they'd stay busy doing what they love. Success would then become inevitable.
I've been giving considerable thought to the fear of rejection, and here's one of my conclusions about it:It isn't the rejection that is intrinsically disturbing. It's the interpretation we make about it that drives us nuts and prevents us from realizing our potential.What do we tell ourselves? In essence, we draw the wrong inferences and make inappropriate generalizations from these experiences.For one thing, we tell ourselves that the rejections will be pervasive. If X rejected us, so will Y and Z.Another tendency is to believe that today's rejection will be permanent. If X said no yesterday, he'll definitely say no today and tomorrow.Finally, we tell ourselves that rejection is personal. It's about us, as individuals, and it reveals fundamental flaws about our character, our skills, or our attractiveness.When you read these things, they instantly seem foolish, don't they?For instance, on what authority, we have to ask ourselves, do we KNOW that if X rejected us, Y & Z will follow suit? We fear that will be the case, and we may suspect it will be so. But by no means is it conclusive, until we make it that way by failing to keep trying.Likewise, on what basis can we assert that today's rejection will recur tomorrow?When I was a salesperson, working my way through college, I contacted a fellow who LOUDLY rejected my offer, to say the least. Actually, he got unhinged and declared, "Never contact me, again!"I remember this episode vividly, because it was so exceptional. Anyway, the very next day, by mistake, I phoned him. (Apparently, I forgot to strike his name from my list.) My error only became apparent to me after I got him on the line and asked him how he was.At that second, I thought, "Oops!" To my surprise, he replied, "I'm fine."
I had no choice but to continue with my sales spiel, fully expecting him to reject me, even more loudly and emphatically, at any moment. Imagine how shocked I was to ask him for his order and to hear him cheerfully respond with, "Okay!"He bought from me, the very day after telling me to never contact him again!Please believe me when I tell you it was a mistake that I had called him back. Given how poorly the first call went, I was in no mood for a repeat performance. But by erring in this way, I accidentally proved the point that rejection isn't necessarily permanent. Today's no can even be a precursor, and a necessary one, to tomorrow's yes, if we only get our minds around the concept.This story also demonstrates that rejection isn't necessarily personal. The day before, when this guy bit my head off, he was probably overwhelmed by something that had nothing to do with me. Yet, when many of us are being spurned, our impulse is to blame ourselves and to feel sullied by the overall experience. We feel awful, and beat ourselves down before the next person can do it to us.So, what can we do to conquer rejection and to actually learn to invite it?Four things:(1) Tell yourself it is isolated;(2) Tell yourself it is temporary; and(3) Tell yourself it doesn't pertain to you, personally. In other words they may be rejecting your idea or offer, but they aren't rejecting YOU.(4) Prove these truths by actively seeking more rejections. If you hope to publish that novel or to get that screenplay into the right hands, send them out more widely. Give more people the chance to say no!This is one of the great secrets of the Law of Large Numbers. Do more of anything, and you'll make success inevitable!Dr. Gary S. Goodman is a popular keynote speaker, consultant, and seminar leader and the best-selling author of 12 books. He is the author of the Nightingale-Conant audio program, The Law Of Large Numbers: How To Make Success Inevitable. Gary teaches Entrepreneurship and Consulting at UCLA Extension, and he is President of Customersatisfaction.com and The Goodman Organization. When he isn't being rejected, he can usually be found in Glendale, California, where he makes his home. He can be reached at gary@customersatisfaction.com.